If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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