My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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