You're a womanizer and a bitch.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
