The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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