We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
