Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
