My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
