You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
