Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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