Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
