The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way