just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
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