I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I am mentally ready for anal.
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