good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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