Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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