mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
