Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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