moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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