Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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