On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
