mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
