we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
