Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize