part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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