Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
