I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
