I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
