Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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