We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Bring me that man meat
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
