my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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