well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he shaved USA in his pubs
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
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