I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
