one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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