it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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