my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
