apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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