I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
