I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
