I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
as a side note pls kill me
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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