you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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