You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
