i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
