Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
