i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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