Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
two words...techno handjob
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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