I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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