hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Randomize
