she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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