he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
