She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my shit smells like andre
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
