Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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