I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
