I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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