The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
