I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
