I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
