God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
