I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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