We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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