She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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