You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
