and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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