Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
